St. Paddy’s Day!
Woohoo, one of my favorite holidays has arrived! Let me run down a few reasons why this is my favorite holiday…. 1) Parades and the costumes people wear to them
2) Cities themselves get decorated 3) Green beer 4) Great Irish jokes An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.” A drunk irishman staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth and sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.” An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!” How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family? None. A man walks into an empty pub and sees a leprechaun tending bar. A little weirded out, he has a seat at the bar anyways. “What’ll ya have, friend?” the leprechaun bartender asks. “Um…just give me a rum and coke” the man replies. The leprechaun reaches under the bar, pulls out a potato and sets it down in front of the man. “Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I said I wanted a rum and coke.” the man says. Pushing the potato closer the leprechaun says “Have a bite. Go on, lad” Reluctantly, the man picks up the potato and takes a bite. “My God! It tastes like rum!! It actually tastes like real rum!!” “Aye, turn it around.” the leprechaun says with a smile. The man turns the potato around and takes a big chomp out of the other side “Coke!! It tastes like Coca Cola!! This is amazing!!” A bit later, second man walks into the pub and sees a man voraciously gnawing at a raw potato and a leprechaun tending bar. He sits down next to the man and his potato, eyes him suspiciously and turns to the leprechaun. “What’ll ya have, friend?” the leprechaun bartender asks. “I’ll have a…is he just eating a…whatever, gin and tonic. I’ll have a gin and tonic, please.” the man replies. The leprechaun reaches under the bar, pulls out a potato and sets it in front of the man. “This…this is a potato…” the man says. “Go on, lad. Take a bite” the leprechaun says while the first man nods enthusiastically, mouth full of half chewed potato. The second man picks up the potato and takes a bite. “It tastes like gin!!” “Aye lad, turn it around” the leprechaun says “Holy crap! it tastes like tonic!! How many of these things to you got under there??” “Oh, I got loads of potatoes. Any flavor ya want.” the leprechaun replies. Some time goes by when a third man walks into the pub and sees two men chewing heartily on raw potatoes and a leprechaun tending bar. He has a seat next to the first two men and turns to the leprechaun “Ooookayyy…um I’ll have…” “Dude!!…” the second guy interrupts “This is gonna blow your freakin mind! This leprechaun has these magic potatoes that come in whatever flavor you want!! ANY FLAVOR!!” “Magic potatoes, huh” The third man glances over to the first man, mouth still full of potato, then looks at the leprechaun who gives him a smile and a nod. The third man leans forward and, in a hushed voice “Well…ya got any potatoes that…that taste like pussy?” The leprechaun looks at him for a bit, reaches under the bar, pulls out a potato and sets it in front of the man. The man picks up the potato and takes a big bite. He recoils in horror and spits the potato on the ground “UGH!!! This potato tastes like SHIT!!” The leprechaun replies “Turn it around, lad…”